Winnie Lim
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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Last call
I was supposed to be helping to brainstorm of ideas for upcoming project until my brain freezed and the next minute i thought of you again. Not surprising, it had always been this routine ever since then. I thought of how I rained tears for you, even up til now, my desperate pleas for you to come back, how you looked into my eyes and told me how much you love me, how much you wanna recapture back those moments.
Again, i thought we were both adults able to talk anything under the moon, i thought we had this mutual understanding after so many storms. Yet you showed me how naive i was, how gullible to actually believed broken promises more than once.
Having you in my life taught me a great deal. I kept asking myself what went wrong and how should i salvage this love. I was wrong, sometimes when you're desperate to save and relive back, the further it will go away. In the first place, i shouldn't keep a heart that slipped away. I said once before: "I can give you all the freedom you want, but if you start doing shit, there's nth i could do and i wouldn't keep you anymore."
I didn't realized it was all about me. I couldn't acknowledge the fact that your heart had long ago left. You don't belong to me anymore. It felt as though it took 1 min to rush me from heaven to hell. I'd never able to let you go, knowing if i do, you'll never return, or rather I'll never be able to talk to you anymore. But maybe that wasn't what love was about, holding on something that had the liberty to choose to stay or go. You choose to go, you betrayed my trust, and each time you come back and go as when you like, you crack my heart deeper.
How am i supposed to find all e courage to move forward bravely without you completely? What is it that I'm gripping so tightly despite how things were now. "Nothing" You ain't here whenever I needed somebody. I don't need you to be a hero, I just want you to be there to prove my existence, that's all. You can promise me, promise the entire world, but never once you did it.
Deleting me from all your network and my number is one thing i took some time to recover. Never did I expect to watch you returning to her would be so extremely painful. Perhaps it was a good thing, unable to check out your recent happenings might not give me anymore heartaches. Deleting your number wasn't a help at all, because I remember you by heart & mind. Deleting your name only shows how unwillingly I am to forget.
It's true that you never stop loving someone that easily, but I guess there's reasons good enough to forget this existence of love. The only way to get over someone is when you found someone better to piece back the broken pieces and to takecare of it. You got yours, and this was how insignificant I became more of. We've only got one heart, I prefer to be true to myself. How about you?
Though there's no guarantee for love, no contracts to seal promises, you showed me how frightening it could be to feel that words are merely words and making love out of nothing at all. When things happened, you could just run away til you regain your composure, and between this period, did it ever cross to you how miserable and painful it was for me to endure and brainwashing myself for 24/7? You can lie, you can hurt me, you can treat me as nothing, you can give me falsehope, you can promise me the whole world but you cannot just leave me in the lurch trying to swim on shore whereas you are out there freeing yourself from the problems you played a part. I thought by now you wouldn't do so, i was wrong. Because right now I am pretty conscious, you were gone again, you left me alone to pick all pieces by myself. You poof without any reasons. Let me tell you this, you got no rights to do this to me after all that happened. But again, who am i to blame? I know i couldn't bear for you to be unhappy, and therefore, here I am shouldering all the burdens for you.
That will be the last time. Time never pass so hard before. My heart is in excruciating pain. Now i really see it, how insignificant & small i was. How silly i am. All i ever gave you was my purest love, and you crushed it into million pieces that you'll never be able to piece it back. I am lost for words, no words could describe how painful I am feeling right now. You're right, perhaps i should just leave if I want to and stop all this emotional talk, yet again, what you know about my feelings? Since when you cared? Or you could only think rationally after few days? And its too late, I've already gone thru it myself WITHOUT YOU EVERYTIME.
I am not a saint.
I really see it. No matter how unwillingly, how tough it gets, I know I have to do it.
Why? Because of you, because of your indecisiveness, because of your actions, I am taking all these for you.
Look at you, just like my existing tattoo, although I couldn't have you, but I'll have the feeling of you for the rest of this lifetime. However, the pain you inflict stays forever too.
And so I let go, let go of these balloons that were tugging at my heartstrings all these while..
9 months 19 days.
You are free. So am I.
How short lived our love was. How unappreciative.
How saddening. How painful.
What remains will be bouts of nostalgia.
Where have our love gone to?
Yes, you're only a human, I am as well.
Then how am i supposed to cope after everything?
I have my worries as well.
And i totally hate who i am now behaving like a sadist.
Get alife.
Again, i thought we were both adults able to talk anything under the moon, i thought we had this mutual understanding after so many storms. Yet you showed me how naive i was, how gullible to actually believed broken promises more than once.
Having you in my life taught me a great deal. I kept asking myself what went wrong and how should i salvage this love. I was wrong, sometimes when you're desperate to save and relive back, the further it will go away. In the first place, i shouldn't keep a heart that slipped away. I said once before: "I can give you all the freedom you want, but if you start doing shit, there's nth i could do and i wouldn't keep you anymore."
I didn't realized it was all about me. I couldn't acknowledge the fact that your heart had long ago left. You don't belong to me anymore. It felt as though it took 1 min to rush me from heaven to hell. I'd never able to let you go, knowing if i do, you'll never return, or rather I'll never be able to talk to you anymore. But maybe that wasn't what love was about, holding on something that had the liberty to choose to stay or go. You choose to go, you betrayed my trust, and each time you come back and go as when you like, you crack my heart deeper.
How am i supposed to find all e courage to move forward bravely without you completely? What is it that I'm gripping so tightly despite how things were now. "Nothing" You ain't here whenever I needed somebody. I don't need you to be a hero, I just want you to be there to prove my existence, that's all. You can promise me, promise the entire world, but never once you did it.
Deleting me from all your network and my number is one thing i took some time to recover. Never did I expect to watch you returning to her would be so extremely painful. Perhaps it was a good thing, unable to check out your recent happenings might not give me anymore heartaches. Deleting your number wasn't a help at all, because I remember you by heart & mind. Deleting your name only shows how unwillingly I am to forget.
It's true that you never stop loving someone that easily, but I guess there's reasons good enough to forget this existence of love. The only way to get over someone is when you found someone better to piece back the broken pieces and to takecare of it. You got yours, and this was how insignificant I became more of. We've only got one heart, I prefer to be true to myself. How about you?
Though there's no guarantee for love, no contracts to seal promises, you showed me how frightening it could be to feel that words are merely words and making love out of nothing at all. When things happened, you could just run away til you regain your composure, and between this period, did it ever cross to you how miserable and painful it was for me to endure and brainwashing myself for 24/7? You can lie, you can hurt me, you can treat me as nothing, you can give me falsehope, you can promise me the whole world but you cannot just leave me in the lurch trying to swim on shore whereas you are out there freeing yourself from the problems you played a part. I thought by now you wouldn't do so, i was wrong. Because right now I am pretty conscious, you were gone again, you left me alone to pick all pieces by myself. You poof without any reasons. Let me tell you this, you got no rights to do this to me after all that happened. But again, who am i to blame? I know i couldn't bear for you to be unhappy, and therefore, here I am shouldering all the burdens for you.
That will be the last time. Time never pass so hard before. My heart is in excruciating pain. Now i really see it, how insignificant & small i was. How silly i am. All i ever gave you was my purest love, and you crushed it into million pieces that you'll never be able to piece it back. I am lost for words, no words could describe how painful I am feeling right now. You're right, perhaps i should just leave if I want to and stop all this emotional talk, yet again, what you know about my feelings? Since when you cared? Or you could only think rationally after few days? And its too late, I've already gone thru it myself WITHOUT YOU EVERYTIME.
I am not a saint.
I really see it. No matter how unwillingly, how tough it gets, I know I have to do it.
Why? Because of you, because of your indecisiveness, because of your actions, I am taking all these for you.
Look at you, just like my existing tattoo, although I couldn't have you, but I'll have the feeling of you for the rest of this lifetime. However, the pain you inflict stays forever too.
And so I let go, let go of these balloons that were tugging at my heartstrings all these while..
9 months 19 days.
You are free. So am I.
How short lived our love was. How unappreciative.
How saddening. How painful.
What remains will be bouts of nostalgia.
Where have our love gone to?
Yes, you're only a human, I am as well.
Then how am i supposed to cope after everything?
I have my worries as well.
And i totally hate who i am now behaving like a sadist.
Get alife.